These labels are great for when you’re tossing ideas around in your head, a whinge and when you simply want to insult someone. But they’re useless if you want to make your position clear, want the offender to know exactly what’s been done that you find unacceptable, and want the offender to change their ways and refrain from doing it again.

These sorts of expressions are useless because they’re vague, easily challenged and can even be counter-productive. They don’t make you look good; they make you look unsure of yourself. They cry out for clarification. They almost demand that the offender respond with “No I’m not.”, “Actually, I’m quite the opposite.” or “What do you mean?” And it’s not just that it allows them to respond like this; you are giving them the right to do so.

So you’ll have to explain what you really mean anyway by giving concrete examples. Or the offender will nod and promise not to do it again, but have no real idea of what they did that was a problem.

Why do we use these sorts of terms instead of using ones that are clear, precise and objective? Perhaps we don’t know what else to say. Perhaps we think that being general is good. Perhaps we think we’re being polite. Whatever the case, get rid of them. Throw them out the door.

Ask yourself: “Am I sometimes guilty of using these sorts of terms instead of being precise in my descriptions of people’s behaviour? This is the first in a series on how sticking to the facts helps you Take Control of a Tough Conversation.